2

The Question

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Well despite me feeling slightly normal and regaining parts of my identity, I was reminded this week that my hormones are still in full control! This week we attended our last week of baby group and it got quite emotional, not because it was our last group, but it was the question we were asked. what are you enjoying most about your baby? Well in true mad mummy fashion I added that being off work was what I was enjoying most, now to be honest that was just a joke. I am enjoying not being at work, until the three year old is asking me the same question over and over and over and over again.
But taking it in seriously and really thinking about the question, it’s always been one thing I’ve enjoyed most about both of my children and that is the gaze. Breastfeeding was very natural for me with my first daughter and I was lucky my daughter took to it so easily. The second time however was not so easy and I’ve always said if it was my first child I may not have continued. But what spured me on through the difficulties was the gaze of my new born, her big eyes taking me in.
Her happy and content face and that loving and lingering look in her big blue eyes!
My first child would not take a bottle no matter how hard we tried but my new born is happy to take my milk from me or a bottle. But this has come with mixed emotions for me, I was going to have more freedom but at what cost, I felt like I had lost a little bit of my exclusivity. However I’ve got over it and every time I put her to my breast nothing else matters. Explaining this to the group brought tears to my eyes because this is my last child and the time goes so quickly.
Recalling to the group the memory of my first child got me so emotional as I realised how special those moments were to me and watching her running around in her usual crazy fashion I knew that she had no recollection of that time. She didn’t remember and it was gut wrenching, it was then I was reassured that it was those moments that made our close bond, that made her so confident and secure.
So Wether I’m breastfeeding or bottle feeding I will hold every moment close to my heart and always remember. I’ll never forget the glare of wonder and comfort and the beautiful sounds of my baby suckling and wimpering and I’ll always remember that question. What are you enjoying most about your baby?

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0

Finding Me

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I’m actually starting to feel more myself this week. I treated myself to a new coat and some boots and getting up in the morning and doing my hair doesn’t actually feel like a chore anymore. I’ve actually gained some of my identity back. I’m still a little tired and dealing with the affliction of leaky boobs. But I don’t feel so battered and bruised.
I’ve also noticed that the pity looks that mothers with newborns get are few and far between when you look like you had time to brush your hair and put on concealer. And you know what I mean by pity looks or you could call them I don’t envy you, your completely mad, I wouldn’t do that again looks. But I may look slightly polished on the outside but the truth remains, I still take my makeup off with wetwipes, that fancy SPF skin cream I used to use has been replaced with coco butter and this long fancy red coat I’m rocking is hiding the leaking baby milk and baby sick stains.
I’m along way off from feeling fantastic but I’m much happier looking in the mirror and seeing me again.
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I will always be a mother and that will always be part of my identity, however it’s equally as important to feel like I’m more than just a mother.
Blogging also helps with this, I’ve always been that person that has to be doing something, has to be working towards something. So now that my baby is 9 weeks old and I’m getting a little bit more sleep, I can be me a little bit more. Not just that tired looking mum with the dishevelled hair at the school gates.
Don’t get me wrong I still have days where I have to where a hat because I simply don’t have time to do both my hair and makeup. But I’ve not left the house without makeup since 1995 and I’m not going to start now.
But despite my appearance I’m still feeling a little bit down on myself, I suffer from Psoriasis and since I was 36 weeks pregnant it’s gotten worse and worse. So the past 9 weeks I’ve felt tired, flabby and scabby to top it all off.
So despite losing 13lbs in the last 9 weeks I’m still a little flabby and a lot scabby but I’m definitely going to make the most of having more sleep, even if I do spend more awake time making myself look pretty.
When did you start to feel more yourself after childbirth?

1

To Takeaway or Not

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Friday’s in my house historically is a takeaway night, Wether it’s burgers, pizza’s or fried chicken, you name it we have it. And even sometimes we eat out on a Saturday, but as we eat well 75% of the time these two cheat days of the week are OK, aren’t they? Mmmm then why do I feel so bad! Because this past weekend was no different, I made no changes and indulged when deep down I knew it wasn’t what I should be doing. But this is when the choices I make impact on the others in my life. If I don’t have that takeaway than my husband feels he can’t have it and is missing out. It’s also about breaking habits and routines and most importantly taste and cravings. That’s a lot to conquer and I won’t lie I’m gonna find it hard, but I knew this path wasn’t going to be easy. For once I’m not looking forward to the weekend and that is a first!
So after another disastrous indulgent weekend (Watch me rant here)I decided not to weigh myself this week, otherwise I’d just be setting myself up for failure. I’m just sulking, I guess, but it didn’t last long, the more I thought about it the more I just had to know, good or bad!
But ironically when I finally built myself up to stand on the emotional roulette weighing device, fate dealt me a cruel twist…..the scales didn’t  work. All that fretting for nothing, typical!
So I was back where I started but with no choice but to get on with my day, so why couldn’t I stop thinking about it? I needed to know! The not knowing is doing my head in. People always say it’s not about how much you weigh but it’s about how you feel and look. Well I feel bad and look frumpy so bring on the scales, because in my head I need the scales to confirm this as crazy as that sounds. Will I ever be free from them?

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So, So Tired!!

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Waking up early isn’t a problem when you have a 6 week old baby, because most of the time you were up anyways! Having more than 3hrs of consecutive sleep is a real treat for most mom’s in the early weeks. What I’m finding difficult is the dreary cold mornings, it’s so uninviting when you know you have an hours walk ahead of you.
But despite this I haven’t flagged and am still rocking up to the school gates early.
Not always as organised as I think though, for example the other day I woke up at 5:30 had a coffee watched the news and chilled out before the madness ensued. By 7am I was waking everyone up confident in my morning routine as I had got myself already first for a change. It wasn’t until I neared the pre-school gates that I thought back to my morning and couldn’t remember getting my daughter to brush her teeth or clean her face! So much for waking up early, luckily I had wet wipes to hand and a quick wipe over the face and she was good to go!
It’s only my second week of walking and in total I will have walked 30 miles this week, which is 6 miles a day. I’m feeling good, albeit a little sore still and I may need to find a really good chiropodist by the end of the month but I’m not looking at getting a new car any time soon. So far I’ve lost 9lbs and I’m hoping that I’ll be able to see some real results soon. But my eating habits haven’t changed, I’m hungry all the time and I’m spending energy all day. When I’m not walking I’m nursing and I’m already tired due to the lack of sleep, so food is definitely my friend at the moment as it’s the only thing keeping me going, oh and the caffeine!
So I haven’t lost any weight this week but I’m not disheartened and I’m not surprised. I know I should be watching what I’m eating but that’s not proving to be easy. Especially with the weekend looming. Look out for my video update next week by following the link Rantings of a #madmummy to see how I got on over the weekend.

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What I really want for Valentine’s day

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So the season of love is upon us, another year for us to splash the cash on more trinkets and chocolates that we shouldn’t be consuming.
While the young ones are worrying about where to take their new beau or as they like to say Bae, I like most mummy’s with a new born will be rocking my favourite pygamas and half watching Saturday night tv, unable to relax because I heard the baby fart!
Don’t get me wrong my husband and I celebrate love and romance, hence the new born. But after 17 years together and 4 of them married years another valentines is just a yawn fest. We wouldn’t have made it all that time if we didn’t find ways to express our love the other 364 days of the year. For example, we tend to go out for dinner most weekends, it may include the kids but its our treat and what we love, we tell each other we love eachother everyday and more than once, and we don’t wait for birthdays or holidays to treat eachother to gifts. So in away and as cheesy as it sounds everyday is our Valentines.
So if this Valentine’s is going to be any different than usual I know what I want.
This is my love letter to my husband,
Dear Husband, Please stop pretending to be asleep when the baby cries tonight. I know your unable to feed her but she may need a bum change and if that fails to calm her and you have to wake me to feed her than you have still earned massive brownie points. Also please feel free to take the kids for a walk, I don’t think you’ve spent time with both of the kids on your own without one of them being asleep or in bed! This is all I want for Valentine’s day this year, basically a day off.
P.S. I have a draw full of frozen milk in the fridge so a bottle of wine would go down well too. You never know we might all get what we want for Valentine’s, if you know what I mean.

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Not so organised!

We got a new toy in the house this week, a new games console. This was a family treat, something that we could all enjoy and I’ve got to say it really is taking my mind off of my constant mind battle between me and my inner skinny me.
Although it may have been too distracting as I turned up at the doctor’s surgery for my 6 week check a whole 24 hours early. Whilst I stood there tapping my details onto the screen it never occurred to me that I had the wrong day. I was simply proud that I had managed to feed the child, nurse the baby and get to the surgery with time to spare. This may seem like a small victory but I had to walk pass the duck pond and deflect numerous request to feed the ducks. For some reason my responses were not justifiable to a three-year old and we found ourselves still having the duck pond discussion as it disappeared round the corner. Apparently ducks don’t eat receipts isn’t a good enough reason to not feed the ducks!
The receptionist seemed quite amused at my blunder and even more so at the struggle I was having trying to keep my child under control as I deflected further questions about buying lip balm at the pharmacy. Then the whole scenario seemed to get worse as she began to question me about my baby and when I had registered her, it was only then I remembered that I had forgotten to pick up the forms that I had filled out two weeks ago, which were laying safe on my desk! I was then reminded that my baby couldn’t be seen until this had been done and was shoved more forms to save me the walk home. So even though the whole trip out of the house had initially seemed like a waste of time at least I had completed a job I should have done two weeks ago, silver lining I suppose!
But then my heart sunk when I enquired when my appointment was, because the following day I had my first baby group. I had never experienced groups with my first child and as I’m fairly new to the area I’ve been invited to the first time mum’s group and I was really looking forward to it. So despite our 6 week check being rather important I rescheduled until next week, and hopefully I’ll be a little more organised and actually get the right day!
I’m now thinking that the games console was a little too distracting! Oh and no Tyra didn’t get her lip balm and ducks still don’t eat receipts!
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2

Car’s Gone Baby Gone!

Well it’s the first week of my get fit for life and lose weight in 12 months challenge. I’ll be honest I’m not putting any numbers on my goal weight, as realistically I’d just like to be happy and comfortable in my clothes. But the truth be told 58lbs would be awesome and also far too hard!

My baby is 5 weeks old now and I’m still a little tender but I’ve made a decision and it’s the biggest decision I’ve made in a long time………to sell my car. I thought about it and There are many benefits to this and at the moment I can not think of any disadvantages, the biggest benefit will be the exercise as I’ll have to walk my daughter to school and pick her up every day, this is an hour round trip and in total for the day is about 6 miles.

Luckily we live 10 minutes away from our local high street and have a major Supermarket up the road so I’m not going to struggle, I don’t think!
But if I am honest, my husband called my bluff, I mentioned to him that it would be an idea to sell the car and then two days later he had a buyer, it was so quick I didn’t have much time to react.
The first day of the school run was strange and a bit daunting, I was still very tender and had underestimated how far I really had to walk. But I was up early filled with caffeine and my only struggle seemed to be one French braid or two, or Elsa or Anna as my three year old says. As we walked up the drive, I mean as I walked up the drive pushing the pushchair with my daughter perched on her ride on board I realised that I hadn’t walked this far for around 8 years and that was a scary thought!

It was than I started to question myself, had I made the right decision? Could I actually do this? and than I heard myself, I was so conditioned to drive I’d turned into an idiot!! So I walked and I walked and found myself at the pre-school gates nearly 10 minutes early, which for me is an accomplishment as I am always late.

By the end of my first day I was feeling smug and a bit more tender but any doubts I had were soon diminished when I was greeted by my daughter with her daily art work and as she put it,

Mummy, this is Daddy and you, when Ava was in your belly and you were fat!

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That made me laugh hard!!

I do think I have made the right decision though as now I have no choice but to walk, I haven’t noticed a huge physical difference so far but since I had my daughter I have lost 9lbs, so this can only help, right? Have you made any changes to your 2015? Feel free to share, maybe we can give each other some moral support.