Finding Me


I’m actually starting to feel more myself this week. I treated myself to a new coat and some boots and getting up in the morning and doing my hair doesn’t actually feel like a chore anymore. I’ve actually gained some of my identity back. I’m still a little tired and dealing with the affliction of leaky boobs. But I don’t feel so battered and bruised.
I’ve also noticed that the pity looks that mothers with newborns get are few and far between when you look like you had time to brush your hair and put on concealer. And you know what I mean by pity looks or you could call them I don’t envy you, your completely mad, I wouldn’t do that again looks. But I may look slightly polished on the outside but the truth remains, I still take my makeup off with wetwipes, that fancy SPF skin cream I used to use has been replaced with coco butter and this long fancy red coat I’m rocking is hiding the leaking baby milk and baby sick stains.
I’m along way off from feeling fantastic but I’m much happier looking in the mirror and seeing me again.

I will always be a mother and that will always be part of my identity, however it’s equally as important to feel like I’m more than just a mother.
Blogging also helps with this, I’ve always been that person that has to be doing something, has to be working towards something. So now that my baby is 9 weeks old and I’m getting a little bit more sleep, I can be me a little bit more. Not just that tired looking mum with the dishevelled hair at the school gates.
Don’t get me wrong I still have days where I have to where a hat because I simply don’t have time to do both my hair and makeup. But I’ve not left the house without makeup since 1995 and I’m not going to start now.
But despite my appearance I’m still feeling a little bit down on myself, I suffer from Psoriasis and since I was 36 weeks pregnant it’s gotten worse and worse. So the past 9 weeks I’ve felt tired, flabby and scabby to top it all off.
So despite losing 13lbs in the last 9 weeks I’m still a little flabby and a lot scabby but I’m definitely going to make the most of having more sleep, even if I do spend more awake time making myself look pretty.
When did you start to feel more yourself after childbirth?


Working parent woes

postit Last week I was presented with my first bill for childcare for when I return to work in August and it’s given me a lot to think about. I’ve been paying nursery fees for 3 years and it was only when my daughter started pre-school last September that we started to use a childminder.
But despite their differences they ultimately have one thing in common and that is they like to take all of my money. I spend roughly 90% of my wages on childcare so the last 3 months have been truly amazing, well the first month after that I went on maternity pay and that sucks big time too.
So now I have two to pay for, although I am lucky that my eldest will start reception in September so I won’t have to pay for two children for long. But I still have to get her dropped off and collected and pay the childminder to look after her till 6pm. So how much do you think I was quoted? Well it was less than £1400 and more than £1250, to be fair my childminder knew this would be a shock and pre-warned . But my husband just said we’re not paying that!
Which led my mind into overdrive, could we afford for me to stay at home, which then led me to freak out and all I could see was me in 4 years sitting in front of people trying to sell myself in job interviews, it makes me shudder just thinking about it!
Not that I’m not good in interview situations, I tend to ramble and let my personality take over, apparently that’s a good thing.
In my experience in being the interviewer I’d much rather hire someone I liked with personality than someone with the skills but no people skills. You can always train someone, well not always, I definitely learnt that, but most of the time. I guess that’s what got me into training, wanting good people to genuinely learn and grow.
But the thought of starting the career ladder again is daunting and I genuinely love my job so it doesn’t seem like an option for me to stay at home. So I’ve thought about using this as an opportunity to move into teaching, do a degree and teacher training course, but the more I think about that the more daunting that seems. Basically I need to stop thinking! Which is kind of what I’ve done, because if I don’t think about it, I don’t have to make a decision and it will all go away, problem solved Ta Dah!!
Not that easy though, is it? I feel like I’m 15 again having to decide what I want to be when I grow up. I didn’t know then and now I just ride at what I’m good at and that’s training and teaching. So I got even more confused when I went to help a friend with a business plan and she suggested that I could be a business advisor and charge people for the privilege of my knowledge. It was a great compliment that she thought I was good enough but it just confused me even more!
So I made a decision and that is to think about it another day and right now enjoy my baby and what’s left of my maternity leave. I’m going to embrace the arts & crafts, enjoy time with my mummy friends and coffee mornings and not stress about something that basically I knew was going to happen. What’s your experience? Did rising child care costs prompt you to change careers or put plans on hold?


To Takeaway or Not


Friday’s in my house historically is a takeaway night, Wether it’s burgers, pizza’s or fried chicken, you name it we have it. And even sometimes we eat out on a Saturday, but as we eat well 75% of the time these two cheat days of the week are OK, aren’t they? Mmmm then why do I feel so bad! Because this past weekend was no different, I made no changes and indulged when deep down I knew it wasn’t what I should be doing. But this is when the choices I make impact on the others in my life. If I don’t have that takeaway than my husband feels he can’t have it and is missing out. It’s also about breaking habits and routines and most importantly taste and cravings. That’s a lot to conquer and I won’t lie I’m gonna find it hard, but I knew this path wasn’t going to be easy. For once I’m not looking forward to the weekend and that is a first!
So after another disastrous indulgent weekend (Watch me rant here)I decided not to weigh myself this week, otherwise I’d just be setting myself up for failure. I’m just sulking, I guess, but it didn’t last long, the more I thought about it the more I just had to know, good or bad!
But ironically when I finally built myself up to stand on the emotional roulette weighing device, fate dealt me a cruel twist…..the scales didn’t  work. All that fretting for nothing, typical!
So I was back where I started but with no choice but to get on with my day, so why couldn’t I stop thinking about it? I needed to know! The not knowing is doing my head in. People always say it’s not about how much you weigh but it’s about how you feel and look. Well I feel bad and look frumpy so bring on the scales, because in my head I need the scales to confirm this as crazy as that sounds. Will I ever be free from them?


Car’s Gone Baby Gone!

Well it’s the first week of my get fit for life and lose weight in 12 months challenge. I’ll be honest I’m not putting any numbers on my goal weight, as realistically I’d just like to be happy and comfortable in my clothes. But the truth be told 58lbs would be awesome and also far too hard!

My baby is 5 weeks old now and I’m still a little tender but I’ve made a decision and it’s the biggest decision I’ve made in a long time………to sell my car. I thought about it and There are many benefits to this and at the moment I can not think of any disadvantages, the biggest benefit will be the exercise as I’ll have to walk my daughter to school and pick her up every day, this is an hour round trip and in total for the day is about 6 miles.

Luckily we live 10 minutes away from our local high street and have a major Supermarket up the road so I’m not going to struggle, I don’t think!
But if I am honest, my husband called my bluff, I mentioned to him that it would be an idea to sell the car and then two days later he had a buyer, it was so quick I didn’t have much time to react.
The first day of the school run was strange and a bit daunting, I was still very tender and had underestimated how far I really had to walk. But I was up early filled with caffeine and my only struggle seemed to be one French braid or two, or Elsa or Anna as my three year old says. As we walked up the drive, I mean as I walked up the drive pushing the pushchair with my daughter perched on her ride on board I realised that I hadn’t walked this far for around 8 years and that was a scary thought!

It was than I started to question myself, had I made the right decision? Could I actually do this? and than I heard myself, I was so conditioned to drive I’d turned into an idiot!! So I walked and I walked and found myself at the pre-school gates nearly 10 minutes early, which for me is an accomplishment as I am always late.

By the end of my first day I was feeling smug and a bit more tender but any doubts I had were soon diminished when I was greeted by my daughter with her daily art work and as she put it,

Mummy, this is Daddy and you, when Ava was in your belly and you were fat!


That made me laugh hard!!

I do think I have made the right decision though as now I have no choice but to walk, I haven’t noticed a huge physical difference so far but since I had my daughter I have lost 9lbs, so this can only help, right? Have you made any changes to your 2015? Feel free to share, maybe we can give each other some moral support.


12 Month Plan

So start of the year and it’s the same as every year, your feeling the guilt of an over indulging Christmas and New year. Everywhere you look there’s a celebrity trying to flog their fitness DVD, scrabbling to every media outlet to share their fat to fit story, whilst sharing countless selfies to show off their new-found confidence, and what I mean by confidence is tits.

You then go to The supermarket where there promoting low-fat healthy eating next to the half price chocolates, it’s no wonder by the middle of January most people are loosing sight of their resolutions and by end of January they can barely remember what they set out to do.
I like many others this year found myself unhappy with my appearance and slightly overweight. OK quite a bit overweight!!
However my weight gain seems much more justifiable to me as I have just had my second child.

But despite the overwhelming happiness when holding my bundle of joy, I’m still niggled with disappointment of the size of my thighs, and I’m seriously sick of people saying “oh, but you’ve just had a baby”, No shit!!

Despite the pain, discomfort and the distinct smell of off milk, I am highly motivated to lose these pounds and get SEXY!!!! So I’ve made a few decisions that I hope will help me to succeed and achieve that SEXY body, that’s buried underneath thick thighs a chubby waist and all that boobage!

My first decision was to start a video diary to share, I feel I have a better chance of succeeding if I have an audience. I want to document the successes, the failures and my overall general feelings. This is not a quick fix, I’m not trying to get fit and sexy for summer, I’m trying to get fit and sexy for life. So I’ll be blogging for 12 months, and if you choose to follow me I’ll be doing weekly updates to show my progress and sharing what I’ve done to achieve my results. I have to add though this is not a fitness or healthy recipes blog, I don’t have the money or resources to go to the gym and cooking overly healthy recipes isn’t realistic for me at the moment.

I will be blogging about how I incorporate my exercise into my daily routines whilst looking after a newborn and a three-year old. But mainly how I’m battling with those annoying every day choices, like low-fat or full fat, take away or homemade meal, spin class or catch up tv and basically how I’m staying sane and motivated to meet my goals.

DSC00150 _JT16126a_IGP3046
I had my first daughter back in 2011 and before then I looked a few pounds lighter, 9 stone 2 lbs to be precise and despite trying to keep my weight down through my pregnancies, I was fighting a losing battle and soon realised I was destined to be a heavy-set penguin waddling child bearer and by my 7 month pregnant I had embraced this with cake!

My second daughter was born in November 2014 and I am at my heaviest at 14 stone 2 lbs, but despite the body not being willing the eyes and mind are impatient and ready to crack on. Join the madness and watch me either fail or succeed, either way it will be a mad and crazy journey!